Everyone goes through unfortunate times in their
lives. No matter whom they are. I was no exception. Growing up, I was hurt by
people that I was supposed to be able to trust. I'm not complaining about it. I
don't feel sorry for myself anymore, and I don't blame anyone for what I went
through. I believe that what happened to me as I grew up was to help build me
and to help me grow. I learned at a very young age that people aren't always
what you think they are. After all, they say the Devil presents himself in many
shapes and sizes.
People that I thought would protect me, well,
they didn't. People that I wasn't supposed to be afraid of, I was. It was a
lesson that, oddly, I'm thankful that I learned so young. I'm not saying that
what happened to me was OK, because it definitely wasn't. I wouldn't wish it on
my worst enemies. But in a way, it did help me see people for what they really
were. It gave me better insight. I learned that trust is not just
something you give away. It is something that you hold onto until you know that
whoever deserves.
For a long time, I tried to deny and run from the
things that had happened to me. I tried to run from the pain, and it wasn’t long
before I realized that you cannot run from the pain no matter how hard you try.
It follows you and the only way to get rid of it is to deal with it. It was a
long and painful process, and I tear up even just writing about it. Forgiving
the people that had betrayed my trust and hurt me, now that was the hardest
part of it all. It was not easy, but you have to remember that anything worthwhile
is not going to be easy. I had to forgive them, so I could move on. Forgiving
them took years, because when I thought about what they had done and what they
had taken from me, it made me angry. I wanted them to feel my pain. I wanted
them to know what they had done. Knowing that they never would was the worst
part. They would never know just how much they had affected me. They would
never know that because of them, I couldn’t allow myself to trust or love or be
loved. I tried and tried for years, but I just couldn’t do it. I couldn’t do it
until I forgave them.
Until I left the pain in the past, I was unable
to love or be loved. I was unable to trust anyone. I only wish that I had
forgiven them sooner. Once I forgave them and let go of the pain, I started
living again. I started trusting and loving again, and I started to see that
not everyone in the world wanted to inflict pain on me. Dealing with that pain
and denial was one of the hardest things that I have ever had to do, but I had
to do it, and it was the best thing that I have ever done. I look back on it,
and I know that I’m alright. I know that I am going to know what they could
never know. I’m going to know love someday, something that they could never
fathom. They can’t control me anymore, because the moment that I let go of the
pain, I was free.
